 |
| Flute jokes |
Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two flutes playing a unison. |
Q: Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?
A: To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes. |
Q: What is perfect pitch on a flute?
A: When it misses the rim of the toilet as you throw it in. |
| Oboe jokes |
Q: How do you get five oboes in tune?
A: Shoot four of them. |
Q: What are burning oboes used for?
A: To set bassoons on fire. |
Q: Why does an oboist always have to fight for correct intonation?
A: Because most oboes are full of holes. |
Q: How do you make an oboist play a sustained A-flat?
A: Steal his batteries. |
| Clarinet jokes |
Q: What's the definition of a nerd?
A: Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet. |
Q: What do you call a bass-clarinetist with half a brain?
A: Gifted. |
Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop a clarinet into little pieces. |
Q: How do you know a clarinet player is playing loud?
A: You can almost hear them. |
Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play louder?
A: You can't! |
| Saxophone jokes |
Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
A: Vibrato. |
Q: If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune tenor sax player! If you chose one of the remaining two, then you were hallucinating. |
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't! |
Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it. |
| French horn jokes |
Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks. |
Q: What do you get when you cross a french horn player and a goalpost?
A: A goalpost that can't march. |
Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I did that piece in middle school." |
Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes. |
| Trumpet jokes |
Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could have done it better." |
Q: What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong?
A: King Kong is more sensitive. |
Q: What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money. |
Q: How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I'm better than you." |
Q: How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
A: The doorbell shrieks! |
| Trombone jokes |
Q: How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
A: Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes. |
Q: What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?
A: A trombone will bend before it breaks. |
Q: There is a frog hopping east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this?
A: The frog's probably on its way to a job. |
| Baritone / Euphonium |
Q: Why did the tuba player switch to drums?
A: Because he could not read music. |
Q: What do you do with a failed tuba?
A: You take away his tuba and give a stick and call him conductor. What do you do if he continues to be terrible? You hand him another stick and call him a drummer. |
Q: How do you call a baritone player?
A: Eu-phon-i-um |
Q: What is the difference between a dead turtle in the road and a dead euphonium player in the road?
A: The dead turtle had skid marks leading up to it. |
Q: What is the difference between the first euphonium player and the last euphonium player?
A: About two measures. |
Q: What is the difference between a baritone and a euphonium?
A: The baritone has TONE. |
| Tuba jokes |
Q: What is the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty yards if you kick it hard enough! |
Q: What is the difference between a tuba and your bed?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on your bed. |
Q: How do you raise the town's IQ average?
A: Shoot the tuba player. |
Q: How many tubas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 5, one to change the bulb, 4 to complain how high it is. |
| Percussion jokes |
Q: How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door?
A: The knocking is not consistent. |
Q: How do you know when a drum break is really good?
A: When the entire section does not play. |
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer. |
Q: What do you call a drummer who has just broken up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless. |
Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
A: Drool. |
Monday [6/30/2008]
